


Staying Alive

by a_vaughn



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, I like ripping my heart out, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:42:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29906805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_vaughn/pseuds/a_vaughn
Summary: Remus tells Sirius his best friends are dead.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	Staying Alive

**Author's Note:**

> I just -

“You’re having me on!” Sirius laughed, turning away from Remus.

Remus loved to pull stupid pranks like this, he did but they weren’t children anymore. Some things shouldn’t be joked about. James and Lily dying was one of them. It made no sense to Sirius, if James was gone, how would the world still be standing and turning? No, the only logical explanation was that Remus was joking and in poor taste.

“Sirius!” Remus was frantic now, grabbing at his shoulders and shaking him thoroughly. Remus’s eyes were bloodshot and his face was streaked with grime and tears. Remus’s grip on his shoulders was painful which Sirius would only later realise as he looked at the finger shaped bruises on his shoulder. He couldn’t feel it now. He couldn’t feel anything now. It just didn’t make any sense to Sirius, how could they be gone? James’s laughter echoed in his ears, telling him not to be such a great emotional sod. Sirius hadn’t realised he was on his knees until Remus knelt next to him, arms still painfully tight on his shoulder.

 _Please,_ Sirius begged, _please, take me instead. Take me, not James, he doesn't deserve it._

 _“_ Sirius, I know. I know, ok? But Harry. Harry lived.” Remus couldn’t manage full sentences, not right now.

_Harry. Harry. Harry._

Good, this was good. If Sirius could focus on Harry, he wouldn’t have to think about the jagged gaping hole in his chest that was making breathing impossible. Sirius focused all his energy on his small, black haired godson that needed him now. They were moving now, Sirius noted with disinterest, running towards the Apparition Point. Suddenly, they were at Godric’s Hollow. Time was disjointed. The world was falling apart at its seams, ripping and bursting open - too small for the enormity of Sirius’s grief.

The Potter cottage was the same. The bushes that Sirius had thrown up remained the same. The framed photographs on the wall remained the same. The ugly lamp that Petunia had given Lily remained the same. Everything was the fucking same, except for the corpse of James Potter in the foyer. Sirius had heard that people looked peaceful in death but James did not. His eyes were still open wide with fear? No, James was never afraid. Probably defiance. He was dressed in pyjamas, probably preparing for a quiet night in with Harry and Lily. Sirius considered laying down to James’s body and just letting himself pass too. It seemed like the only logical course of action, they were brothers in life and they should be in death. He sunk to his knees for the second time that night, head bowed over James’s body.

“Sirius, Harry.” Remus reminded. He still couldn’t speak in full sentences. Harry Potter saved more than his own life that night.

The nursery was blown open, walls shattered by the force of the backfiring spell. It seemed baby Harry didn’t like this for he was wailing incessantly, banging his tiny fists against the rails of the crib in distress. He didn’t like the fact that his mum was laying on the floor, unmoving, red hair splayed out and eyes wide with horror. It couldn’t be Lily, Sirius decided. This wasn’t the same girl who’d hexed him all throughout school, gave him his first taste of Firewhiskey and slugged him when he’d been a prat to her. This wasn’t his sister, his best friend Lily Potter for she would never leave Harry crying. She would never leave.

Sirius picked Harry up mechanically and walked down the stairs, Remus in tow, and noted that James had left his wand on the table in their living room. How many times had Lily told him not to? Pig headed idiot, he’d never listen. In James’s defence the only people who had access to the Potter cottage were Sirius, Remus and Peter.

Only Sirius, Remus and Peter.

Sirius, Remus and Peter.

Remus and Peter.

Peter.

——————

As the days went by, Sirius’s grief did not lessen but became less apparent. He still wouldn’t speak (except to Harry), he wouldn’t eat and he wouldn’t sleep. There was to be a small funeral for the Potters. It was purely for Remus, Sirius, Mary and Marlene’s benefit anyhow. Remus refused to invite Petunia because he said she didn't deserve to grieve Lily. Effie and Monty were dead. It was a good thing, Sirius supposed, that they had died in a world where James still existed. It was a good thing they’d seen his brilliant wife, vibrant with life and not dead on a nursery floor.

Marlene coped with her grief by drinking, Mary by throwing herself into healing and Remus became more and more reckless everyday. He would come back from missions, cut and bleeding and just shake his head when Sirius asked why. Sirius understood, he supposed. He would most likely be a raging alcoholic throwing himself in harm's way if it weren’t for his mission to murder Peter Pettigrew.

Sirius didn’t want to murder Peter out of anger, no. This was a deliberate plan, each step of the way carefully and lovingly thought out. Peter had betrayed them, and now he was to die. It was simple and Sirius hoped the world would right itself again.

He’d do it when Remus was out on one of his missions (Sirius's excuse was that he had to head to the bank) and Mary was off at St. Mungo’s. Marlene would be too piss drunk to notice anyway. He’d turn into a dog, track Peter’s smell, confront him and kill him. Yes, this was Sirius’s plan. 

The funeral was on a bright and sunny day which James would’ve liked but then James liked all days, rain or shine. Lily would’ve taken issue with it, insisting her pale skin would burn and freckle and she would look like a carrot. Sirius would then tell her she looked like a carrot anyway and dodge her surprisingly fast fist. It was all a blur to Sirius, he couldn’t focus on one specific thing anyway. That would make it too easy for the grief to overwhelm him. He mulled over his favourite memory of James - the only fight they’d ever had.

————

**1975**

“You absolute fucking wanker!” James was yelling and gesticulating madly. He was furious, cheeks red with anger and glasses slipping down his nose. This did not make him any less scary, James Potter exuded confidence at his happiest and angriest.

Sirius didn’t bother defending himself, he knew he deserved it. He even deserved the solid punch from James that came next. What Sirius did was unforgivable, he knew it. He’d used Remus as some sort of toy, baiting Severus Snape and nearly killing him. Sirius put two lives at risk - Moony’s and Severus’s.

“You know, Sirius, it’s not charming and reckless anymore. You nearly cocked his entire life up! You’re a real fucking idiot!” James spat and walked away, cradling his fist before he could lose his temper entirely.

The next few weeks were the worst Sirius had ever spent at Hogwarts. The Marauders had split unevenly, Sirius on one side and the other three on the other. They didn’t speak to him, they didn’t look at him except Remus who would stare at Sirius with reproachful eyes when he thought Sirius couldn’t see. James was still as angry as he was the night after the fateful full moon and barely deigned to look at Sirius for longer than a second. It hurt more than anything Sirius had ever known.

By the time Christmas hols rolled around, Sirius had resigned himself to his fate. He’d fucked up and back to the Black house he went. He supposed he could run off to Muggle London but Muggle London kind of scared him. He knew what happened to gay, posh boys in London. Sirius and the boys sat separately on the train. At the platform, Sirius looked at the Hogwarts Express for the last time, steeling his nerves, locking his jaw and walking off into Muggle London.

“And where,” scowled James, “do you think you’re going?”

“Muggle London. Reckon I’ll look for a flat or something.” Sirius responded defiantly, he didn’t want James’s pity.

“For fuck’s sake, Black. You emotional dramatic sod. You pissed me off, yeah, but family’s family, ok?” James grabbed his trunk and walked to where Euphemia and Fleamont stood, waving merrily at the both of them.

It was Sirius’s first true experience of family.

————

Sirius didn't know when the funeral ended because time was still horribly disjointed but he was back in their flat. Remus was gone, Mary was gone and Marlene had drunk herself into a stupor again and stumbled off to sleep. Now was Sirius’s time to exact his revenge.

“I’m sorry Harry,” he whispered, truly meaning it. He didn’t want Harry to grow up alone, but Harry had Remus. Remus. He would forgive Sirius, wouldn't he? Remus would understand that James's murder couldn't live. He would be angry at first but he would understand. Sirius looked around the flat one last time, hand on the doorknob.

“ _Fuck!”_ Harry screamed and Sirius jumped in surprise.

Sirius imagined Lily’s amusement and James’s chagrin if they knew Harry’s first word was fuck. Harry seemed delighted at finally being able to speak and screamed fuck happily. Sirius picked him up and sunk to the floor, holding Harry and sobbing quietly for the first time since they’d discovered James and Lily’s bodies. He cried for what seemed like hours as he held Harry; the last piece of his two best friends. That was how Remus found Sirius and Harry hours later - playing and happy. 

“Thought you were going to the bank today?” Remus asked.

“Wanted to spend it with Harry, family’s family.”


End file.
